DC Metro Sports - Politics and Baseball: How Philadelphia Can Be a Winner

As I was lying in bed last night thinking of how many ways Carlos Mencia is not funny, an idea of unadulterated brilliance flooded my mind. You are all aware after reading my first article of my obsession with seeing a championship come to Philadelphia from one of the four major sports. You may also recall my political views are of a conservative nature, although I won’t go quite as far as Ann Coulter in equating liberalism with pagan worship.

Now before you get your drawers all in a bunch wondering where I am headed here, let me give you the big tie in. I would like Philadelphia’s mayor, john street, (he doesn’t deserve to have his name capitalized) and his corrupt cronies that have further ruined my hometown beyond repair to fork over all the funds the city has left and purchase both rosters of the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox collectively. The current roster of Philadelphia Phillies will be disbanded and pooled into a league-wide draft in the off-season with the worst teams picking first. The newly purchased Yankees and Red Sox players are to be cut down and combined resulting in a Philadelphia powerhouse. The starting lineup would look something like this:

Johnny Damon CF
Derek Jeter SS
Manny Ramirez LF
David Ortiz 1B
Alex Rodriguez 3B
Gary Sheffield RF
Jorge Posada C
Robinson Cano 2B
Pitcher

Key Reserves: Coco Crisp, Hideki Matsui, Jason Varitek, Jason Giambi Pitching Rotation: Randy Johnson, Curt Schilling, Mike Mussina, Josh Becket, Matt Clement Closer: Mariano Rivera

I won’t list all the relievers and reserves, but the message is the Phillies would be a loaded team. Now after winning the World Series and having that much anticipated championship parade, everyone would be forced to move out and the city would be scrapped, bulldozed, and torched so we can start over.

It is a shame to say, but I, being a beacon of truth in an age of sex tapes and courtroom perjury, must say Philadelphia has become a lost cause. Purchasing both the Yankees and Red Sox is our last resort, one final hurrah born from the womb of my innovative thinking.

You, the reader, have to understand. Philadelphia used to be the capital of the United States. We used to be a top five city in population. The Weather Channel does not even label Philadelphia on the map between New York and Washington anymore. It is so bad that some on the western side of the state believe Pittsburgh is equal if not better than Philadelphia. Hell, the owner of Gino’s Steaks had to put a sign in his shop’s window demanding customers to order in English. Perhaps Jorge Washington saw the writing on the wall, “packed up” the capital and hauled ass to D.C. I say “Jorge” because sadly, pretty soon the Spanish language will rule America and our children’s textbooks will read, “Jorge Washington.”

Al Gore (of all people) made the point on Larry King last week that Americans tend to emphasize the negatives when adversity looms instead of opportunity. Opportunity has presented itself here. Buy a World Series championship, celebrate like no other, and then demolish the city save for a few historical monuments. A brand new Philadelphia can be built. One that ignores the failed policies of liberalism, is labeled on a Weather Channel map, and excels in its athletic endeavors.

So go out and buy Ann Coulter’s new book, vote to strengthen our borders and make Jorge proud.

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